Cancer Treatment Options Forum - February 23rd, 2011 - 2 Comments
Cancer, Chemo, Marriage, Lack of Sex Drive?
In October I had an emergency hysterectomy and was diagnosed with stage 2 ovarian cancer. I’m currently on 28 day treatment cycles and have absolutely *no* interest in sex. My oncologist says it’s normal, that the risk of infection is too high, I shouldn’t at all even if I had the desire, and once I enter remission we’ll look into HRT. Aside from me having to work 3rd shift full time to maintain health insurance, we have kids, and my husband of 10 years is *infuriated* (7 months into this) claiming I’m just abnormal. Cancer sites are so vague on chemo and sex, and my husband says either of us can manipulate them to benefit our argument. It’s a *daily* battle of how my lack of interest is strange to him. He refuses to engage in any support groups, for information or to find other men that would relate, and says his friends will do nothing but make fun of him because "he’s not getting any," and leaves me to absorb all of his frustration. As a matter of fact, he says it’s not his job to know anything about my treatment, it’s the doctor’s, and the lack of interest is all in my head, that I need to hurry up and get this over with. That any other man would’ve left by now. I’m at my wits end with this battle. I’ve tried. It’s painful and very uncomfortable. I don’t even want to be touched. When I’m not nauseated, throwing up, dealing with my mouth and throat being so raw it’s all I can do to eat, I’m just tired. All the time. I have no energy for anything, nevermind the laundry that piles up or routine housework, which is fuel to his fire. I worked all night last night, I have to work again tonight, he woke me up today at 4:30 with a steak and the kids’ Mother’s Day presents, and said to thank him he wants me in (these) thongs. Fast forward to present moment three hours later, after an argument he’s stormed out and says he’s had it with my "bullshit." The ACS site I’d referenced began with the phrase, "Once you decide to resume sex after treatment…" which he said is geared towards single people, that it implies "Once they go find someone to have sex with." Am I "abnormal?" Is this "all in my head?" Help!
My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 2B and we just finished her treatments. During this time I learned all I could about her cancer and went to all treatments of 27 weeks of chemotherapy and most of her important doctor’s appointments.
I saw first hand what my wife was going through and saw how chemotherapy made her feel. Since her diagnosis I did not even consider to bring up my sexual desires into the situation because I knew she was fatigued and sick.
It was my wife’s job to just get well and survive. I did all the housework, cooked all the meals, and played card games with her (and let her win) to keep her mind off of cancer.
I called and made sure she had her wig ready for her when she lost her hair, I called two psychologist to make appointments so she could talk to somebody about her cancer, and I took a five week course at the U of W program to learn how to listen to my wife (Helping Her Heal).
She had 12 weeks of chemotherapy, then a mastectomy, and then 12 more weeks of Taxol. I saw my wife many times curled up in a ball crying because the pain was unbearable. I changed my wife’s drains all the time, and if she craved something to eat, I made sure it was in the house.
Then she did radiation, that was hell. Her skin blistered and got red and weeped. She is still recovering from radiation and chemotherapy. I have not ever considered to make love to her because her body and mind is NOT INTO IT. I could tell.
So, instead I hold her, I hug her, and I patiently wait until the day comes when she will want to resume that in our life. It has been almost a year since we made love, and I could wait more if I have to. I know that when we do, it will be very special for both of us.
I cannot believe how insensitive your husband is. He offers no support and cares about what his friends says instead of how you feel. You deserve a partner, not somebody like him that offers no support at all.
I am so sorry for you, I would stuff those thongs in his mouth and tell him to choke on them. Your husband is a JERK, and I would consider kicking his sorry ass out once you recover.
First of all, excuse my impression of your husband but HE is very misinformed and it seems that he cares only about his own satisfaction.
There is nothing wrong with you , having togo through chemo and the side effects of this and the mental worries you must be having are far from being ABNORMAL! I say this as i know other women who have gone through similar situations. I think that you should tell him if he has no compassion toward you or what you are going through than leave if he must but don’t antagonize you over this sex deal . You must look out for your heath first before any other thing. Sex will indeed return and so will your sex drive.
I think this is an absolute shame and he should be concerned over this matter. This is not a cold, or sinus problem you know.
I am sorry if offended you in any way regarding your husband but , please look out for your self and NO do not have sex until oncologist lets you know all is o.k.
I am so sorry,
Please take care and be healthy again.