Cancer Treatment Options Forum - April 29th, 2010 - 4 Comments
Has having cancer strengthened or strained your relationship with spouse?
My name is Dave, and I have been married to my wonderful wife for 28 years. She is my everything. But as a caregiver this breast cancer has often stretched me to my limits and beyond. For example, I hate needles but I had to inject my wife daily with Neupogen, so I did it. Then I had to learn how to empty her drain for her mastectomy (nurse said I did it so well she offered to have me follow her to do the rest of her patients!) and then the daily care.
She still needs a lot of help six months after her last treatment, and I am HAPPY to do what she needs. I keep a very clean house because I feel that it is good for her emotionally. The question is really about support for a caregiver.
I went one time to a support group at the Seattle Swedish Cancer Clinic. My only time there a woman came back to the group to update those there that her husband passed away a week ago. Apparently she had been going for over a year and wanted to thank everyone that had supported them during their difficult time. Lots of tears and it was TOO much for me, so I never went back.
I am sure cancer can strain some marriages or make them stronger. For us we are stronger, but for anyone here how has their spouse helped?
Dave
I’m so glad it has made your marriage stronger, darlin. She’s a lucky woman to have a man such as you. It has definitely put more of a strain on mine though. In the beginning, when I really needed him, he was here for me but I guess it strained him and now that I look and seem more like my old self, he expects me, I think, to pick up where I left off and I’m not to that point yet.
I don’t know if we will make it or not, nor do I know if I really care if we do or not.
I’m so happy you have each other, Dave
Lol, thanks Denise! I’ve missed being on here but really needed a break for a while. i’m doing really well. my next mri is beginning of dec and i’m anticipating excellent hole in my brain!!!
Hi Dave,
Again you are asking a question beyond my experience. You two have been married 26 years?! You must have been children when you got married. I just wanted you to know I saw a story on the news last week that said when the husband has cancer the marriage is more likely to survive as men do not do as well when their wife has cancer and are more likely to leave them. It made me think of you and how concerned you have been this past year. I know you would never do such a thing.
I have a friend who lives in Brier who had breast cancer about 15 years ago and her husband, who is a lousy anyway, left her during her treatment with her best friend! I have another friend who had lymphoma when her girls were only 2 and 4. Her family lived on the east coast and she had no one here. During her treatment her husband got sick and tired of her being sick and tired and started beating her. She told me she forced herself to get better as you knew she could not die and leave her babies with this monster. She begged her oncologist not to tell the police and convinced him not to. She recovered and her girls are now teenagers. She has a new husband who is wonderful. My other friend survived too.
My point is, life often does not do what we expect and there is always someone worse off than we are. I can’t imagine going through the things my friends did, but they ended up okay and both are much happier now. I hope the two of you will be too. I know men are built to believe it is their duty to fix everything, but you can’t always do that and we are more forgiving about that fact than you are. We would much rather you be good to us and make us feel loved and you do that.
Denise
April – Glad you’re back. I’ve missed your cheery little face around here.
My husband has been ideal through all this. I was just diagnosed 2 months ago, and although he keeps telling me how terrified he is of losing me, he tells me my job is to cremate him, and he plans on living a long time. When I was under a weight restriction after surgery he started doing laundry, he refused to let me pick up anything larger than a bottle of pop, he took care of the dog "in case she pulled too hard," and he’s told me that if he knew then what he knows now, he’d do marry me all over again.
You could check with the hospital to ask about respite care meaning a caregiver comes to relieve the primary caregiver for short spells. Also, ask some cancer support group people about who offers respite care or medical caregiving in your area. The library could be asked about all this too. Also,
know that God can help you live a better life if you want Him to help you. You can have a personal relationship with God by saying the prayer below. God is our Creator, all-knowing, all-powerful, eternal, holy, love. God loves us and sent us His Son, Jesus Christ, so we can go to heaven if we know and follow Him. Forever means without end — time on and on without death. Forever is what happens after we die. Either we go to heaven and be with God forever, or we go to hell which is very bad and painful forever. The good people who are saved believers in Jesus Christ go to heaven. The bad people go to hell. We need to know and follow God in this world to get to heaven in the next world. We follow God by loving and obeying Him and loving others for Him. Jesus Christ, God’s Son, is our bridge to God. Jesus died on the cross to cancel our sins. We need to accept Jesus into our life as our Lord and Savior forever to receive God’s blessing and forgiveness plus go to heaven to be with God forever after we die. This is about being a born-again Christian. Faith in God is a gift from God. You can pray for faith in God. Just speak out and ask God for the faith to believe in Him and to follow Him. Some people find faith in God when they realize the beauty in the world is made by God. Evolution can’t explain the world’s natural beauty, for example, the parks in the world, animals, flowers, peacocks, sunsets, butterflies, rainbows, etc. After you have your faith on, you can pray a sinner’s prayer to be a born-again Christian. This prayer is very important and should be said with a sincere heart and faith in God. This is the prayer: "Dear God, I know that I am a sinner and that Jesus Christ is the sacrifice for our sins. I have done the following sins (state these out) and I pray to discontinue these sins. I pray to receive Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior forever. In Jesus’ name, amen." I’m Lutheran and I like the Baptist churches too. You could check out a Christian church and also see about their weekly Bible study group as a good way to learn about God’s will for your life. You can pray to God about your daily life and have a Christian church pray for you.